Hello and welcome to the first ever WriterFest. To make up for the time I took off I am holding the biggest thing I have ever pulled off on the Internet. You will have my rants and Ralph’s commentary on human society, Alien species of the week and a whole wake of alternate events. So sit back and enjoy the blog.
The World According To Ralph: A Christ on the Cross is worth Two in the Bush
I live in a human majority community. Actually, it’s all humans if you don’t count figments of the Writer’s imagination. It is hard adjusting to an alien culture, especially one like humans. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of similarities between our two species, but there’s always the alien factor. I’d have to say that the hardest part about living with humans is your religion. Practically every religion you have needs to feel that there right.
I’d like to talk about the human religion that I’ve hade the most contact with, Christianity. In some ways the Christian religion is similar to the faith I was raised in. There are many differences of course, we refer to the divine as feminine, we don’t have the violent history, we don’t have any formalized church, we don’t worship a dead carpenter and our worship services aren’t as boring (don’t get me wrong, I’ve heard of some pretty cool Christian services. We got the U2 Rattle and Hum DVD for Christmas, they have the band singing "I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For," That would get me up on the coldest January Sunday, I tell you) Anyway, I have spent most of my time around Christian humans so I figure by now I know a lot about the Christian religion. Here is my guide to Christianity.
Ralph’s Guide to Christianity
Species who follow it: Humans
Number of Followers: There’s a hell of a lot of them. It is currently the largest following of all humans. Second is Islam and I think Hinduism comes in third because of all the people living in India.
Holy text(s): Mainly the Bible which they stole from the Jews and added a second part. One sect of Christians called Mormons have a third book. We will talk about them later.
Founder: Jesus, probably the most influential figure in western history. He is probably the most mysterious. According to Christians, God came along and impregnated this Mary chick and she has to go with this Joseph guy to Bethlehem were they give birth to the Baby Jesus in this old shack Jesus grows up to be a carpenter, but when he’s not being a carpenter he goes around healing people and stuff because he’s the son of God. Now the guys called the pharisees are really pissed of at this so they have him wacked with the help of the Romans, but it turns out that Jesus wanted to get wacked so that he could die for every bodies sins (a nice sentiment but it doesn’t say much about the Christian god. I mean forgiving is easy, you don’t have to go giving your son away) however just to prove to everyone that he was the Son of God, Jesus came back from the dead.
The Writer believes that the Bible is not the best historical document in the world and that Jesus was just this guy who hade a few good ideas and accidentally started a religion. I think that’s just as good.
Number of Sects: There’s a hell of a lot. First there’s the Roman Catholic Church, they act like the boss Christians because they have been around the longest. They have a ridiculously large amount of saints for practically anything which I think is ridiculous for a monotheist religion. Other defining features are drinking of wine, a guy called the pope who has a cool hat, needlessly large copies of afore said holy text and a desire to be even more right then all the other Christian sects.
Then we come to the Protestants. Once there was this guy called Martin Luther(no relation to Martin Luther King. Jr) who got feed up with how the Roman Catholic Church because they were wasting money on fancy churches and such so he said "Well, I’m going to start my own church" to which the Roman Catholic Church said "Like hell you are" to which Martin Luther said "Just watch me" to which the Roman Catholic Church said "You can’t do that. If you do that we’ll kick you out of the Roman Catholic Church," to which Martin Luther said "Who cares. I’m starting my own church," and the rest is history. I don’t know as much about the Protestants but they don’t have a guy with a cool hat.
Well, when Martin Luther started his own church other Christians who weren’t so keen on the Roman Catholic Church said "Hell with this, were starting our own churches,". Among these are the Mennonites, The Writer was brought up in a Mennonite family so I got a good idea on those guys. Now don’t get the wrong idea, not all Mennonites are Amish guys who have been immortalized in the classic Weird Al parody "Amish Paradise"(Parody of Coolio’s Gangsta’s Paradise. Amish Paradise is on the Running with Scissors Album). Many of them live in modern conditions with such things as electricity and 8-tracks. Anyway, Mennonites are into the whole pacifist thing and those that except technology have a really big charity thing that helps other people in foreign countries.
Things just get even more nutty from here, know we get to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints or there cooler Mormons. See, once this guy named Joseph Smith came walking down a fine American path when this winged creature called an Angel came unto him and said "Hey Joe. There’s this book buried in the woods over there. Go dig it up, it’s Gods will,". So Joseph Smith dug up the book and turns out a bunch of Hebrews ran off in a bunch of ships to the Americas were they set up a civilization that collapsed before anyone could get there. This was a very controversial religion because they hade polygamy, but I’m pretty sure that most of them don’t do that anymore. Mormons know concentrate on selling copies of the Book of Mormon (the one Joseph Smith dug up in the woods) to people at there homes.
This brings use to Jehovah’s Witnesses. Jehovah’s Witnesses believe that the end is nigh and that they should go around to people’s houses and tell them about the good news. Jehovah’s Witnesses are known to go around and tell people about there good news in pairs. I don’t know what Jehovah’s Witnesses do when there not annoying people, presumably they sit around watching the Simpsons.
There is also Greek Orthodox and Televangelists but we need more room on stuff.
Christianity and Other Religions: Christianity doesn’t have a good relation to other religions. They hade that whole thing against Judaism for kicking of Jesus (which is kind of strange because Jesus was brought back to life, so it wouldn’t really matter) and they considered everything that didn’t acknowledge that Jesus was your saviour was a lot of lies and that they should try to convert them, by FORCE. This has given Christianity and Jesus a bad name. Which is a shame because Jesus sounds like a good guy. Here are a few quotes about Christianity. These do not represent my views or those of this blog so don’t sue us.
I like your Christ. I don’t like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ
Mahatma Gandhi
Mahatma Gandhi
The moral and religious system which Jesus Christ transmitted to us is the best the world has ever seen, or can see.
Benjamin Franklin
Christianity simply does not make sense until you have faced the sort of facts I have been describing. Christianity tells people to repent and promises them forgiveness. It therefore has nothing (as far as I know) to say to people who do not know they have done anything to repent of and who do not feel that they need forgiveness.
C.S. Lewis
If I were not an atheist, I would believe in a God who would choose to save people on the basis of the totality of their lives and not the pattern of their words. I think he would prefer an honest and righteous atheist to a TV preacher whose every word is God, God, God, and whose every deed is foul, foul, foul.
Issac Asimov
When Jesus Christ asked little children to come to him, he didn't say only rich children, or White children, or children with two-parent families, or children who didn't have a mental or physical handicap. He said, "Let all children come unto me."
Marian Wright Edelman
A certain sense of cruelty towards oneself and others is Christian; hatred of those who think differently; the will to persecute. Hatred of mind, of pride, courage, freedom, libertinage of mind, is Christian; hatred of the sense, of the joy of the senses, of joy in general is Christian.
Friedrich Nietzsche
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