You guys are going to love this. Turns out that the Grand Canyon isn't allowed to have books about how the canyon naturally formed over millions of years, BUT it is allowed to have books about how the Grand Canyon was formed during Noah's flood. Oh, this is going to be fun. Do you know what time it is kiddies?
The Voices of a thousand happy children: MASS CONCERVATIVE CONSPIRACY THEORY TIME!
That's right kiddies. Isn't this priceless, isn't it? I mean this is just a juicy excuse to beat up on the Religious Right. So what's the major complaint here? Well, it could be that they are only selling one thing theory. The people at the grand canyon should be having a whole bunch of theories, not just one (which is probubly wrong anyway).
And why do we have this problem? Because of Dogma. No not the movie Dogma, that was good. I mean the pointless rules we all follow for no reason. Let's face it, the idea of the entire world being drowned by a vengeful God is neither pleasent nor practical. I mean come on, the only decent people in the world were Noah, his wife, and there three sons and there son's wives? (Or maybe just Noah and his sons, this is still before feminism remember). And the entire world was destroyed in a flood? This isn't painting a pretty picture for God. This is making God seem like a bastard. If this is God then you religious freaks can have that bastard. And if that's the way things actually are then God can go to hell (or I can go to hell, whatever comes first). I refuse to worship a God who thinks on that level.
So, to tick of the Religious Right and the Bush adminstration, I hearbye declare a new religion, which will be placed above all other religions. And this religion will be called My Religion, and it will dictate that all religions are bogus and that all religions are part of the one real religion in which everything is united into an ultra cool stew of spirituality and imagination. And yes, I stole alot of this from reading Alan Moore's Promethea and yes, I'm very sure that the Sufi's beat me to this, but I'm still declaring the creation of My Religion.
Since I have no declared my own religion I will know be excepting converts. Entry into my religion will be simple, first you find a bunch of stuff in New Age books, science ficion novels and other random stuff and declare that your religion. The key here is not to really believe it, what you are currently believing is just a way to make you a better person, your not suppose to kill anyone about it. (NOTE: Once you add your bits of the religion, it becomes Your Religion, not My Religion. You may call it my religion, but it will no longer be My Religion) Also, have fun with it. Make up really weird gods and stuff like the Giant Spagetti Monster and Naos and make T-shirts of them. If your local chapter of the Pseudo-religious Chirtian Consevative Conspiracy makes some big fuse about something, then go over and give a big rant about your crazy gods that you don't take seriously. Here, I'll show you how it's done.
BROTHERS AND SISTERS! HELLO! I AM THE WRITER! I HAVE COME WITH A MESSAGE FROM HIS DIVINE GROOVINESS NAOS BEN-DAVID, THE TRICKSTER KING AND LORD OVER ALL THE PUBLIC BATHROOMS! (I'm yelling like a crazy person at the moment. This is key, so that they can see how loud and crazy you are. If you have a megaphone that would help to. Keep in mind I am making all of this up as I go, so that way I seem even more weird and crazy). Naos says that the Grand Canyon WASN'T created by EROSION. NOR was it created by NOAH AND HIS FLOOD THINGIE! THE GRAND CANYON WAS CREATED BY NAOS! YES, I say, NAOS created the Grand Canyon.
WHO is NAOS, You say? WHY young girl, NAOS is that guy who you saw busking out in front of some building, but you didn't give him any money because you didn't know it was NAOS. NAOS is that guy who sits at the back of the room and laughs because he is NAOS! Why, I AM NAOS! AND SO ARE YOU! AND YOU! AND YOU! not you. BUT YOU ARE! WE ARE ALL NAOS! except that guy there. I don't know who he is. who are you?
um, frank.
YOU ARE NAOS! GO FORTH AND ROCK MY SON. were was I? Ah, yes. Grand Canyon. NOT ONLY did NAOS create the GRAND CANYON! But he created it, YESTERDAY! Yes, yesterday. And he tricked all of you into thinking that it was here all the time. WHY?!! WHY WOULD NAOS DO THIS?! WHY ELSE, TO IMPRESS HIS GIRLFREIND?! YES, NAOS IS NOT SINGLE! HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND, WHO WOULD BE THE WIFE OF NAOS IF THEY WERE MARRIED! AND HER NAME IS HELEN, AND SHE WILL DESTROY YOUR GOVERNMENT! AND YOUR COUNTRY! AND YOUR GODS! AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO! AND THEN ONLY SHE WILL REMAIN, AND NAOS TOO, BECAUSE AS I SAID THEY ARE AN ITEM! AND THEY WILL CONTINUE DOING THIS UNTIL WE GET IT RIGHT! AND THEN WE WILL GET IT WRONG AND THEY WILL HAVE TO START ALL OVER AGAIN, BECAUSE YOU SCREWED IT UP!
WHERE ARE NAOS AND HELEN YOU ASK?
WHERE ARE NAOS AND HELEN YOU ASK?
no we didn't
SILENCE! THEY ARE THERE! (point to small bit of dog poo in some grass) IN THE DOG POO!
(this is a refrence to some Taoist and Zen philosophers saying that enlightenment lay in poo. I don't think they were being literal, as much as they were trying to make a point that everything is holy, including your own excriment. I shall continue)
YES. They are in the poo. Do you all see the poo? Everyone look at the poo. Everyone line up and be careful not to step in it. LEAST YOU BE SMITENATED! Yes, see the poo of holiness.
Okay, that's it. I'm stopping know. I believe that I have blown there minds enough. That is all I have to say about that.
2 comments:
I like this idea of "My Religion". Sounds very practical to me!!!
Yeah, I mainly use it for my mythology. I suppose this is also what happens if you read to much William Blake, if such a thing is possible.
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