Death and Ego

Still haven't gotten a job, but that can all be blamed on the fact I haven't gotten up to do it. My writing has slowed down, which is also due to my own laziness. I seem to be better at writing down ideas then stories. I'm also coming down with a stuffy nose, which hasen't stopped me from dropping by my favorite cafe and drinking a nice warm cup of hot chocolate.

Well, besides the stuffy nose there isn't that much I can talk about. I went to the funeral of a friend's relative, but I'm not going to go into that because it's not really my business and it certainly isn't yours (unless you are said friends, in which case you know what I'm talking about). And while I was there I began thinking about death. Death is something I think about, specifically my death, late at night. The fact that one day I won't exist anymore is a bit bothersome and scary. I'm very used to having at least some awareness about what is going on in the world around me and the fact that one day this will all just stop scares me. Also, there is the fact that I'll miss my own funeral, and generally I like things that are about me. Since funerals are all about the dead person, I'd be missing out on one of the few times that it is all about me. That ticks me off, because I'm a very egocentric person.

Which brings me up to other bit of internal life news. I'm realizing that I can be a pretty self-absourbed person sometimes. I mean, I'm not an egocentric jerk all the time, I think. The problem in all this is at somepoint in my life, after I have reached the first milestone of living on my own I want to have a girlfriend, maybe even a wife. If I am to do this I'm going to have to become less egocentric, as I'm going to have to live with another human being for a longtime. Maybe I'm getting to far ahead in my development. Ah, maybe I should just stop talking about all this before I give to much away to the trolls.

Well, all I can say for now is that things are looking up. I am feeling better emotionally and my nose is feeling better as well, maybe because I took some Reactin earlier, but other then that I don't know.

Internet dating services

You ever get that spam mail with the Russian ladies who apparently feel the need to have a man in there lives. Stuff like that, I'd put up a better picture, but I don't really have anything I can do since I deleted the one I found in spam. I was just wondering if I should do something like this. You know, sign up to go out with one of these Russian ladies. This brings up all kinds of questions however.

The first, and most prominent is am I doing this because I want a girlfreind or do I just want to get laid? I suppose people who don't know me that well would think that I would just want a girlfreind, but let's be honest. I'm a teenage male, if I got a chance to get laid I'd probubly take it. The pictures of the women on the thing that they sent to me is kind of provocative. Nothing really revealing or anything, but I could detect a level of seduction.

Women are a mystery to me. I admire them greatly, if only because they look good. I know that most of my readers are women, so I apologize if this offends you. I don't mean to look at women as just aestetically pleasing and having a mysteriousness about you. And yes, most of my facination comes from sex. I've never had sex and like the virgin I am, it holds a mysterious quality. I'm nervous about having sex. Will I do it right? Will I make a good lover? What if I cry during the process? I can easily see myself break into tears during the love making process. Why would I break into tears? I don't know. I'm not sure I can talk about it yet.

I've never been on a date. I suppose I should have said this before I said that I've never hade sex, but hey I'm a teenager. I got a vague idea of what is expected of me for a date. I've got to pick up the girl (problem: no wheels and can't drive), and give her dinner (I pay) and a movie (I probubly pay for that too). I can probubly spring for food. At Crabby Joe's you can get a good deal for chicken wings on Mondays, and she could probubly provide the ride, it's the new millenium. It's just that I've never really hade any good relationship with a woman. I hade very strong feelings for some women, but they didn't return it. There's another woman, or girl, or whatever you call female teenagers, who I have feelings for but I'm afraid to tell her. What if she says no, what if she says yes? What if she's already going out. I have suspitions about that. What if I have the chance to go out with her and I don't take it and I loose that chance which I will regret for the rest of my life? What if I'm doomed to lonlieness? What if I don't want a girlfreind for the right reasons? What if I'm just some horny teenager hiding his emotions under a blanket of philosophical musings stolen from French minstrels?

Yeah, thats it.